A Special Place In Hell

Dear Computer Hackers and Identity Thieves of the World,

Today I am dreaming about the scorching fires of your own personal "on hold, every possible hassle available will, well, hassle you" hell that you will live through in the eternities to come. You know why? You royally piss me off. Royally. That's why.

You add needless hassle to my life. Because of you I'm considering getting tattoos with a list of things like passwords, sign in names, security codes, and the appropriately punctuated and capitalized answers to "secret questions" I can't remember all the answers to.

Once upon a time I had one password for everything. Mind you, this password required no additional numbers. Every letter in this password was lower case. In fact, this password was an actual WORD. (A little etymology lesson for you: "word," believe it or not, is actually a root word of the word "password").

Once upon a time I sat down at the computer to sign in to my email and I didn't hesitate and doubt myself, waffling between possible options of what to type...just to sign in.

Once upon a time, I didn't have to remember 12 different passwords, 14 different sign in names, 87 varying security questions, and a partridge in a pear tree.

And once upon a time I might have made a list of this information and had it saved in my computer or by my computer or something, oh, I don't know...CONVENIENT!

But you--you (extensive text omitted)--you have ruined this all for me. In fact, because of you I have to call one of my billing companies which has routed its calls to India as to save money from the serious financial loss you've caused, wait on hold for 45 minutes listening to music elevators are embarrassed to play, and talk to a man who works under the pen name of "David" (which he doesn't know how to pronounce) because otherwise I couldn't possibly repeat his real name (which I don't know how to pronounce) back to him about how my account has been locked FOR THE SECOND MONTH IN A ROW because I've misspelled, miscapitalized, or just plain forgotten who the hell I am this time.

So thank you, hackers and identity theives. Way to stick it to the man...and the busy, society-contributing, productive, hard working, rest of us. We really, really appreciate you and all you do. Next time I'll just send a DNA sample and my left ovary. That way you can just clone me.

Signed,

The Rookie...I think, but maybe it's that other sign in I created...

P.S. I'm switching back to the U.S. Postal System!