I'll Stick with Jell-O

So my good friend, Kim, has this analogy for dating. She says that dating is much like a restaurant everybody (everybody=married people) has been raving about. Not only are they raving about the restaurant, they're insisting that YOU SIMPLY MUST TRY the creme brulee. So, you, being a fan of creme brulee, head to the restaurant. The service is so-so, you place your dessert order: "I'll have the creme brulee." "Excellent choice," says the waiter. You wait patiently, mouth watering, for this delicacy. The people at the other tables are enjoying the rich flavor and you can hardly wait. Your waiter comes with your plate, you look down, and what do you find?

Brussels Sprouts!

Puke green, slimey brussels sprouts!

And you HATE brussels sprouts.

So your friends (the same "everybody" I referred to earlier) tell you "You just have to go back. Eventually the waiter brings you creme brulee and it is soooo worth it!" So you return again and again, always ordering creme brulee, always receiving brussels sprouts. You waste your money. You waste your time. And to make matters worse, you find out that going to this particular restaurant in hopes of creme brulee is a COMMANDMENT!

That, my friends is dating. And when I shared this particular analogy with my brussels sprouts of a date, he simply asked, "What's creme brulee?"

So many of you are asking me about my date. Well, let me just say that there are some things you just don't say on a date.

Things like (upon the waiter bringing our order) "Whoa...that's a big salad. You're probably going to have to take some of that home, right?" Ummm, noooo. I want to eat it all. That is why I ordered it. Did I say, that's a lot of chicken and rice you ordered? No. Why? you ask. Because I have tact. This is kind of where the whole date started going downhill.

Or there is the whole, "Oh, yeah, I date a lot. My problem is that once a commitment needs to be made, I lose all interest in the person." Okay, dude, if I were interested in you, which I'm not, but if I were...maybe you just shouldn't be waving that red flag just yet. Just a thought.

Like I said: There are some things you simply do not say. Ever.

Then there was the whole "footsy" incident. I had on slip-on shoes, so I was playing with them under the table (out of boredom? perhaps). My shoe happened to bump his so he raised his eyebrows and seductively uttered, "Playing footsies already, are we?"

And in case my polite I'm-just-not-that-interested-dude-vibe wasn't strong enough. Following is the scene as we left the restaurant (eating dinner, by the way, happened to be his only big plan for the evening) to go for a drive which I said I didn't really want to go on (I know better, but my pity somehow kicked in)...

BS ("Brussels Sprouts" and/or "Big Salad"): Brrrr, it is kind of cold out, are you cold without a coat on?

Me: Yep, it is kind of chilly.

BS: Well...(cue awkward reach around my shoulder...and not that I have anything against short people, but let me just say he had to reach UP)

Me: (step aside...sometimes non-verbal says it all)

BS: Oh, not comfortable with the physical touch, are we?

Me: Not really.

BS: Well, you never know. Some people have issues with that kind of thing.

Me: (in my mind) No, some people have issues in their ability to read the please do not touch me vibe.

So we go on our drive (with him singing to the too-loud radio) to look at a townhouse that he probably isn't going to buy because it is too far from his parents' house, but he looked at it and so he thought that was a great place to drive to (random?). And by then I'd given up trying to be polite. Frankly, I just wanted to leave. But I was trapped in his car, listening to him vent about living with his parents.

Finally the date ended, he returned me to my car and drove off into the sunset.

And me? I came home and ate the rest of my salad.