Monday, April 13, 2009

Vulnerable and Raw and Open

I am on Spring Break this week. No school for an entire week is a blessing indeed. Yet here I sit feeling less than blessed, feeling lost and vulnerable and raw and open. And so I spent the day stealing the roommate's Easter candy piecemeal, un-showered, in my pajamas, napping and doing not much of anything. Besides feeling downright depressed. Because of a 38-year-old boy who stared and stared and did nothing about it until I made it blatantly obvious that it was OK and he could perhaps even push it beyond staring. And that was too much for him and so he ignored me, quite rudely, in fact. I scared him away. And that pisses me off. So I ate too many peanut butter eggs.

I do not know what is going on with me lately. I never wanted to be the mopey single girl. The girl who longs to be married. NEVER. I was going to be happy with my single status. I was going to be independent and liberated. And yet, somehow, I've slid off that slippery slope. I feel that pitiful. Perhaps it is that I had a different plan for this age. Perhaps it is that I've entered this new phase where I see a baby and it feels as though two hands are squeezing my lungs, ringing out an old, weary sponge. Perhaps it is all those damn Jane Austen film adaptations.

Today I am honest. Today I am lonely. Today I am weak. Today I am single and rejected and it makes me mad and mopey. It isn't so much that I'm mad at him--he can't help that he is a scared little boy trapped in an aging body. It isn't so much that I'm mad about my life, either. Life is actually very good to me. Good job. Good friends. Good faith. Good family. I'm just mad at me, I suppose. I should be enjoying my single-hood and this time for freedom and travel and blah blah blah. Even my mother (bless her!) tried to tell me how I should enjoy this time, that it "isn't THAT bad" (which leaves me to infer that it is bad at some level).

I am tempted to never post this, but I think if you read all the words I punch out week after week, if you've bothered to stick it through my long-winded rants and ruminations, then you deserve to know the ugly truth: I have my off days. I am petty and weak (see previous post). I am human and learning and this is who I often really am.


Rie Pie said...

I'm sorry your down. Being a singleton can be hard. I love you tons. Don't be emo...there is already one of us in your group. Lol. I do think we need a break from Jane and Richard. They seem to only break my heart at the moment.
ps. If you want, I can cut the boy.

The Rookie said...

No cutting necessary. And there's nothing quite like a good night of sleep...and raking the boy through the coals online in the post preceding this one. I know, I know, I'm very imperfect. And petty. But today I'm cleaning the house and blasting music and life is good.

Alice said...

I like this post. We all have off moments and it is nice to see those REAL ones in the blogosphere. yes, I know I have the privilege of knowing you during raw times "in real life", but I still find this refreshing to see here once in a while.

Boys stink, being single is hard sometimes, but one day there will be an end :) And you might even think he smells good ;)

mormonmommyblogs said...

I love that photo! It's beautiful!

I'm moving stuff around on the MMB, and wondered if you wanted to be in the Single Category? Let me know.


Libby said...

Oh lady-we all have those days, weeks, months. Single or not. I usually deal with it by driving to Salt Lake to visit a cupcakery, eat too many said confections, and then turn up the tunes on the way home. Who cares if my child happens to be screaming at me from his car seat. You've gotta do, what you've gotta do!

You're way to cool of a lady to stay down in the dumps for long! Cleaning the house is a good sign!