In Which I Assign Myself 500 Pages of Bad Reading

Let's start by clearing up this one little detail: I'm an idiot. Stupid, really.

Case(s) in point:

1. Call it a delusional vision of who I wish I were (read: a hard *assed teacher), but I assigned the AP kids 10 page research papers on self-selected debatable topics they've lived with all year long. Nearly 50 kids, 10 pages. All due earlier this week. Yup. That was stupid.

2. Add that lapse in judgment to the pile of Spring Break grading I procrastinated beyond, you know, Spring Break and you start to see that teaching English is far less preferable to, say, teaching gym.

3. I'm blogging rather than facing any of this because ignorance is bliss.

4. Combine all of the above with the brilliant timing of after school study sessions with the AP kids, starting back on the weight-loss-get-in-shape band wagon from which I so miserably fell over the past three months (oops), and teaching an all-new unit on argumentative writing with my 9th graders (not my forte nor theirs) which requires the time and energy equivalent of my first year of teaching and I'm thinking I've got to be on a top ten list somewhere.

Like I said. Stupid.

*For obvious reasons this is not the week to give up my ever-so classy tendency of talking like a teamster. We'll save that one for later.

If I'm Brutally Honest...

I'd rather blog (really just check blogs, or facebook, or email, or The New Yorker website) than grade any given day of the week, month, or year.

Too bad I only get paid (in a manner of speaking) to do one of them.

When did I get so lazy?

*This is Dan Rather, folks. An image as evidence of how lazy I feel. I googled "rather" and this is what appeared.*

As a non sequitur addendum to this post:
Bananas grow exponentially more delicious with peanut butter.

The Hidden Life of the High School English Teacher

The English Teacher, in her natural habitat of lounge pants and a ratty t-shirt, brings home her fresh kill.

With anticipation she picks up her first essay, ready to be wowed.

But wait! Something is amiss. Whatever could it be?

Is that disappointment? Frustration? 

Oh, dear English Teacher, tell us what is wrong.

What's that? You aren't sure what, exactly, "This iz 4 REEL" is supposed to mean. Silly English Teacher, everyone knows that!

Don't get angry, English Teacher, anger is like a stress. It can make us throw clots and stroke out. 4 real.

We know, we know. But anger only makes matters worse.

Oh, that's really mature, English Teacher, REAL mature!

Oh look, the English Teacher is bored with her students' mediocrity.

But...but...she never finished reading! Should we wake her up?

My Other Home

Some days I feel like I live right here:

Doing things like this:


13 more school days until summer. While the anticipation is thrilling, insanity prevails amongst the students .

Three Conversations I'm Tired of Concealing My True Thoughts from:
#1
Student: We should go outside today.
Me: Not today. Besides, it is always so loud outside from the cars. And the gym classes have taken up all the fields.
Student: It's soooo nice outside! We should. We could read outside!
What I secretly think: Yes, because when I said "No" and told you why we couldn't go outside, I didn't really mean it. It was a ploy to get you to nag at me and annoy me while I attempted to start class/keep your classmates from damaging property. Because I TOTALLY love when you do that.

#2
Student: So, my grade isn't looking too good and graduation is in three weeks.
What I Secretly Think: Please tell me you don't actually believe there is anything you can do about that now.
Me: *blink, blink*
Student: So, can I talk to you about my grade?
Me: I'm sorry, I didn't know you were still attending my class.
Student: I know, my attendance has gotten kind of bad. Senioritis. Heh heh heh.
What I Secretly Think: Did you mean laziness? Because it seems that this isn't an excuse, either. Though I do see you as the type that has weasled themselves out of trouble so many times they actually think graduation is still a reality. Unfortunately for you, there actually ARE consequences for your repetitive stupid decisions to skip my class.
Me: *blink, blink*

#3
Student: When does school get out?
Me: June 5th
Student: I'm not coming after Memorial Day.
What I Secretly Think: Great parents you've got there. Glad they've really engrained that whole good-work-ethic/value-of-education philosophy in you!
Me: 'Syour grade.

End of Term

Dear Students of ___________ High School,

In case any of you still feel the need to clarify: Yes, that IS your final grade. It is not a grade I selected for you willy-nilly. It is the grade you earned. The grade which was determined by YOUR choices. The grade that will permanently reside on your high school transcript and yes, possibly determine whether or not you get into Stanford. Let me repeat: this is YOUR grade. Deal.

Your Teacher,
The Rookie

P.S. I am sorry these years are so awkward for you, but could you please refrain from being so obnoxious so early on in the week?