Thursday, January 21, 2010

Confessions of a Rookie


When all else fails,
tell the truth.

1. The right side of my chin and neck has broken out into a constellation of zittery. I feel like a living, breathing, walking with her head held in shame "Before Proactiv" photo. I've never had acne before--but I think we can classify this as acne. What on earth is going on?

2. I'm addicted to the raspberry frozen yogurt at Roxberry. Second would be the original tart. I've become a fro-yo connoisseur.

3. Yeah, I really did just write "fro-yo". That's embarrassing.

4. I think I'm on the 7th wear of this particular pair of un-washed jeans today. I don't feel that badly about it. Should, but don't.

5. I speed each morning to work by more than the mere 5 mph. If I didn't, I worry I wouldn't make it on time.

6. I spent all day Saturday watching British period pieces from Netflix in my pajamas.

7. I never wear socks with most slip-on flats. Even those little booty kind--they slip off into an annoying ball in the toe of my shoe.

8. I sometimes dream of becoming a librarian because I love the library that much. Even the old book smell. Especially the old book smell.

9. I have a secret fantasy of kissing someone between the bookshelves of a large university library.

10. I'm embarrassed I told you that.

11. There are many people, dead and alive, with whom I'd like to go out for lunch. Mary Oliver tops that list.

12. I'm afraid of people disagreeing with my ideas. Logically I know I shouldn't care--but I have this secret desire to be agreeable and therefore liked. By everyone. Except obnoxious 10th graders--I've given up that fight.

13. I avoid shaving my legs at any cost.

14. I like personality tests. Even stupid ones on facebook like "What Disney Princess Are You?" (Though I rarely post my results on my account so as to appear hipper than that.)

15. I'm trying to lose my sailor's mouth (new year resolution). I've yet to go a single day without slipping up. But I'm getting better.

16. My toe nails need a serious paint job.

17. I push snooze. A lot.

18. When I was quite little I wrote my first Dear Diary entry exclaiming my deep desire for a baby. Right at that moment.

19. I laughed hysterically years later when I found said diary.

20. I think fart jokes are funny.

21. My typically quick and witty brain misfires when I have a crush on someone. Before you know it, a perfectly benign statement (formulated perfectly in my brain) comes out as a mumble-shouted-muddle of: "You so sexy."

22. Yeah, not smooth. Not one little bit. (And this exact phrase was actually uttered to a crush at one point in time.)

23. The rest of the time I think I'm quite eloquent.

24. I'm freakishly paranoid/fearful of being framed for a crime I didn't commit.

25. When I get a new perfume, I indulgently sniff my wrists and shirt for weeks afterward until I've grown accustomed to the smell.

26. I hate to dust. And change the sheets.

27. Sometimes I want to sing out loud at the gym as I listen to my iPod. It is painful not to do so.

28. I like when I see people picking their noses in their cars. It humanizes them. And makes me laugh.

29. I can't hear well when my contacts/glasses aren't in/on.

30. I am irrationally freaked out about turning 30 in a little over a year. When did I become a full-fledged adult? "30" sounds so adult.

9 comments:

debilyn said...

I love confessional posts! What a great list :)

#4- been there, done that MANY times.
#6- my idea of a perfect day.
#{s}8,9,15,16 & 17 - ME TOO!
#30 - I didn't feel that way when I turned 30, but I did when I turned 40. In June I'll be 42, and it kind of makes me want to hurl.

Rie Pie said...

I totally took the "What Disney Princess Are You?" test, and posted it. I am unhip. I kind of like it that way.

I want to smack people in the head when they pick their nose in the car. It's nasty.

Yes, I've also picked my nose in the car. To the left of me there was another car with two laughing girls. My sister's caught me...

I don't find farts funny. At all.

I would like to become a "Fro-yo" connoisseur. I've never even heard of Roxberry.

This very long comment is proof of my need to blog - soon.

Katie H said...

I think it's funny that I stumbled on to your blog, don't even know you, & feel like I have a lot in common with you. And do you know Shelby & Sonia? Sonia used to live here near me on the East Coast when we were both in singles & I loooooove that girl. She is hilarious.

P.S. I turn 30 this year & am freeeeaking out. (And also obviously in love with vowels today.) This would probably not be so bad if I hadn't accidentally married someone 5 years younger. Eeek!

P.P.S. I'm too chatty. But I just wanted to say I like reading your stuff. Keep it up. And maybe write a book. You know, when you're not busy with the teacher stuff. (That was sarcastic, because I was once an English middle school teacher.)

Eva said...

sailor's mouth, yeah. My five year old walked into the room yesterday and exclaimed "What the hell's all this?"
I thought I was doing pretty well cleaning up my mouth since she sounded "Damn it!" in the car last month. I guess not.

Kris said...

Dude. Do NOT, under any circumstances, watch that show on the Discovery channel called "Lockdown". It's all about prison life, and now I'm petrified I'll somehow end up in federal prison and seriously, those girls are MEAN! I'd rather go to men's prison. Or stay out of prison entirely.

Alice said...

I too am a dirty jean wearer. I have to be, the first day is the worst! And I am rippin' pissed if I spill on them wear two.

I hope you get your smooch in the library one day. I will drop the hint.

I'm not sure what the hell my problem with my mouth is, but I am working on it.

I am scared of 30 too. Really scared.

I heart your confessionals.

I secretly hope people know how lucky I am that you are MY best friend. Kind of like a possessive 1st grader. ;)

Heidi said...

You seriously make me laugh.

I usually wear my jeans at least twice sometime (most times) more. I am with Alice I get mad if I mess them up before two or three.

When going to work I always leave my house to late. So yeah I speed.

I avoid shaving my legs too. It is just so boring.

I am a chronic snooze pusher. I have to hit it at least three time in the morning.

Terresa said...

Love your list, it's a great one!!

Yes, dusting is a pain in the rear. If only I could hire a dust fairy to come and clean here once a week...

Libby said...

1. Totally happened to me two years ago. I didn't even have acne in high school, but as a 27 year old? Cruel, cruel world.
7. Socks with flats grosses me out. Why do they even make those tiny, slippy socks? Worthless.
26. Agree with the dusting. Disagree with the sheets. Don't worry though (12), I still like you!
30. Two years ago I honestly thought I was turning 30 that year. I even started gathering party ideas. Pete informed me that this blessed event was still two years down the road! I was a little disappointed-I wanted to get it over with.