The Big Bang Theory

It is no surprise that every generation has its fashion mishaps. We all have looked at old snapshots of ourselves and thought "Sweet Mother-of-Pearl, what was I thinking?" Tapered acid wash jeans, shoulder pads, the mullet. My own favorite mistake was The Big Bang (aka "The Wasatch Front" aka "The Venus Fly Trap" aka "The Claw Bang"). Mine were so bad I was picking residue crust of Salon Selectives (FEEL, like you just walked out of a SAL-O-O-ON!) hairspray out of my hair until '97.


The Big Bang. Exhibits A-F.


Fashion mistakes reveal themselves over time. It happens to even the most fashion-forward among us. Sometimes we see it coming a mile away, sometimes we are the victims. With what I call The Big Bang Theory (i.e. everything in fashion eventually goes the way of The Big Bang), I'm making predictions. Today I cast my bets for what will be some of the most remorseful trends during the 2005-2010 half-decade.

1. The Astronomically Large Brain Squeezer

Folks, it is one thing to make your own fashion mistakes, but making your children pay the price of your own sins? Come. On.

2. Ed Hardy and Other Overly-Vivid Graphic T-shirts

Seriously? Do you really think in 10 years you'll look at that and say "SO CUTE!"

3. The Return of the 80's

Most of us in the adult-world know the 80's were a mistake the first time around. But that isn't to say that an entire generation currently in high school won't wince at their own mishaps sooner than later. Heaven bless them. It isn't all their fault. They weren't even born in the actual 80's, so how can they really know the difference? Unfortunately for us all, this one might last beyond 2010.

4. Emo Haircuts

Three words: Flock. Of. Seagulls. You look ridiculous, not to mention that you might accidentally bump into things considering that your bangs double as a blind spot. One day, not far from now, you will laugh at yourself. Trust me.

5. The Fringed Scarf

Is it a bib? A throw-back to John Wayne? We don't know, but I'm certain regret will soon follow.

6. The Metallic Pant

They day they show up at my local Lane Bryant, it is all over.

7. Twilight Paraphernalia

My brilliant, wise, bookworm of a niece might be offended by this. But trust me, Jolynne. One day you will shake your head at your own obsession. Once upon a time I had posters of Joey McIntyre and the entire NKOTB crew posted around my room. I wore their pins on my jean jacket. Yes, you will laugh at yourself.

8. The Overgrown Goatee

This isn't exactly high fashion. Frankly, most of us already find this facial shrubbery grotesque. But I pray that at some point, not long from now, this wretched mistake will end. Bon Jovi figured out the hair era was over. Maybe these guys will realize their Overgrown Hanging Moss Movement never happened.

9. Babylegs

This goes back to my comment on #1. Babies' legs are adorable, nearly edible with all that chub. Babylegs, on the other hand, are just plain confusing. They're not really socks. They're not exactly pants. They're not tights, either. What are they? What purpose do they serve? One day, friends and brethren, your children will look at photos of their babyhood and ask you WTF were you thinking?

So there you have my predictions for fashion regret. What out there do you find suspect for future mockery?