Monday, July 13, 2009

The Big Bang Theory

It is no surprise that every generation has its fashion mishaps. We all have looked at old snapshots of ourselves and thought "Sweet Mother-of-Pearl, what was I thinking?" Tapered acid wash jeans, shoulder pads, the mullet. My own favorite mistake was The Big Bang (aka "The Wasatch Front" aka "The Venus Fly Trap" aka "The Claw Bang"). Mine were so bad I was picking residue crust of Salon Selectives (FEEL, like you just walked out of a SAL-O-O-ON!) hairspray out of my hair until '97.

The Big Bang. Exhibits A-F.

Fashion mistakes reveal themselves over time. It happens to even the most fashion-forward among us. Sometimes we see it coming a mile away, sometimes we are the victims. With what I call The Big Bang Theory (i.e. everything in fashion eventually goes the way of The Big Bang), I'm making predictions. Today I cast my bets for what will be some of the most remorseful trends during the 2005-2010 half-decade.

1. The Astronomically Large Brain Squeezer

Folks, it is one thing to make your own fashion mistakes, but making your children pay the price of your own sins? Come. On.

2. Ed Hardy and Other Overly-Vivid Graphic T-shirts

Seriously? Do you really think in 10 years you'll look at that and say "SO CUTE!"

3. The Return of the 80's

Most of us in the adult-world know the 80's were a mistake the first time around. But that isn't to say that an entire generation currently in high school won't wince at their own mishaps sooner than later. Heaven bless them. It isn't all their fault. They weren't even born in the actual 80's, so how can they really know the difference? Unfortunately for us all, this one might last beyond 2010.

4. Emo Haircuts

Three words: Flock. Of. Seagulls. You look ridiculous, not to mention that you might accidentally bump into things considering that your bangs double as a blind spot. One day, not far from now, you will laugh at yourself. Trust me.

5. The Fringed Scarf

Is it a bib? A throw-back to John Wayne? We don't know, but I'm certain regret will soon follow.

6. The Metallic Pant

They day they show up at my local Lane Bryant, it is all over.

7. Twilight Paraphernalia

My brilliant, wise, bookworm of a niece might be offended by this. But trust me, Jolynne. One day you will shake your head at your own obsession. Once upon a time I had posters of Joey McIntyre and the entire NKOTB crew posted around my room. I wore their pins on my jean jacket. Yes, you will laugh at yourself.

8. The Overgrown Goatee

This isn't exactly high fashion. Frankly, most of us already find this facial shrubbery grotesque. But I pray that at some point, not long from now, this wretched mistake will end. Bon Jovi figured out the hair era was over. Maybe these guys will realize their Overgrown Hanging Moss Movement never happened.

9. Babylegs

This goes back to my comment on #1. Babies' legs are adorable, nearly edible with all that chub. Babylegs, on the other hand, are just plain confusing. They're not really socks. They're not exactly pants. They're not tights, either. What are they? What purpose do they serve? One day, friends and brethren, your children will look at photos of their babyhood and ask you WTF were you thinking?

So there you have my predictions for fashion regret. What out there do you find suspect for future mockery?


Wendy said...

I still have dreams I have hair that big. :)

silvernic said...

I'm actually thinking of getting "steps" this afternoon, topped off with a mohawk (and I'm totally serious) is that cool?

The Rookie said...

Ummm, I think you had the biggest hair out of all of us, Wendy! And that is saying something!

Nic, you think ANYTHING you do is cool, so go for it! You don't really care what anyone thinks, anyway. Plus, you could probably pull it off.

Rie Pie said...

Twilight Paraphernalia rocks. lol. I still rock my starwars, beatles, and hp paraphernalia. Once your a fan, you're one for life. I say go big or go home.

As for Emo Haircuts, well... good thing... I ... don't have... one... lol.

And The Fringed Scarf, I love them, but you've got to do these right people. D&G has one that I want.

Ain't nothing wrong with living in the times... well maybe the photos to proove what you've done.

Jen said...

I wish my hair were bigger now. In a stylish, sensible sort of way.

I would love to add to this list, but I am so out of touch with fashion that I feel sure I would embarrass myself tremendously.

I'm with you on all of them, although I have occasionally seen a clever Twilight shirt that made me question whether I should join the ranks. Apparently they weren't that clever, because I can't remember what they were now.

Heidi said...

You make me laugh. I do agree with you on many of these fashion trends/mistakes. Did you enjoy your vacation? Are you going to post pictures? It has been too long since we have talked or seen each other. It makes me sad.

Blackeyedsue said...

Hey, don't knock the fabulously delicious big brain squeezers and baby legs until you've tried them. The babylegs are brilliance my friend...sheer brilliance.

Stephanie said...

This made me snort-laugh! I LOVED Salon Selectives, and my bangs were seriously huge. Huge.

I think the ladies in my ward are having a friendly (read: out for blood) competition regarding the size of those flower headband monstrosities. They border on the obscene.

Thanks for the smile!

Elaine said...

I love big hair. All three of my girls had the big bangs. You do half to remember i make my living off of big hair. Oh and i love the series, The Big Bang Theory.

Miss Melissa Bee said...

There was a New Moon preview at the movies last. Barf! (The best thing about it was the wolf boy was pretty hot). I told the girls I was with about your big bang entry. One of my friends had her 16 year old niece. After I told them that in 10 years the Twillight phenom will be firmly stored in your things-I-should-have-avoided file. The niece looked at me and with the straightest face said, " Twillight is forever. It is classic."

I choked a little on my ice cream cone, but managed to refrain from laughing right outloud.

Poor girl! If only she knew what the real classics are... :)

Anonymous said...

The worst hair or "bang" I ever saw was on one of the stoner chicks at school. It was not only big but it was straight. No curls, just a wall of straight bang up to the sky. I have to say it was probably 4 or five inches long, and I have no idea how she got it to stay. She did have blond hair so she can hide hairspray better than us brunettes. What was she doing? Did they have a contest going? Why straight, the curly was one thing, but straight?

I have an issue with the huge hoop earrings in neon colors. I have to admit I had some silver ones and I think white and black. I don't think those should come back. Oh, and shoulder pads, please noooo.

babychicka65 said...
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Safrianna N.M. Jones said...

Babylegs, to help you out, are leg warmers to be worn with just a diaper so that baby stays warm and you can quickly change their diaper. :)