Thursday, December 24, 2009

Adventures in Bad Dating: My Agony Becomes Your Christmas Gift

Remember Stare Hard? If that post doesn't ring a bell, perhaps this one will. I don't know what came over me, but the staring continued (or so I thought) and nothing happened. And finally I decided to pull on my big girl pants and do something about it. Something that would fix all of this: either be done or see if there is anything there.

Stare Hard loves hockey. So, I "came into" some tickets to the game last Saturday, invited him. He bit. And it all went downhill from there. My chicken-like ways prompted me to utilize the facebook emailing system to instigate this invitation. And while he promptly responded to the initial invitation, getting him to respond back regarding an actual plan, any plan, took nearly an entire week. And apparently asking if he wanted to do dinner beforehand was requesting too much because, "I can't do dinner beforehand. I am making cookies or something for my Home Teaching families." Hello, the game starts at 7:05. On a Saturday. You can't make cookies (or something) a little earlier in the day?

So there I sat in my pajamas reading this message on a Saturday morning dreaming up a bad case of stomach flu. Because if cookies (or something) for Home Teaching is more important, then clearly I was being used for hockey. And I'm pretty sure I was.

*No, I did not do this to my date at any point in the evening. Wanted to, but didn't.*

It was a bad date. Probably one of the worst in my oh-so-stellar dating career.

It isn't so much the fact that he was late picking me up, or that he talked about himself and himself only on the way to the game. And that he admitted he once tried his hand at improv comedy and proceeded to tell me about The Rules of Improv (because that topic is so very scintillating): is forgivable, in a way of speaking. It isn't even that he stopped me at the top of our portal into the arena with a, "Wait, it is bad hockey etiquette to enter while the puck's in play." Because, while he doesn't get dating etiquette--clearly--he at least understands the intricate workings of sports arena politeness. Frankly, I was even okay that the conversation during the game was minimal. After all, we were there for the game. And the conversation would have dwelt primarily on his absolutely uninteresting lameness. (And this is coming from a girl who revels in her own nerdery.)

No, all these dating faux pas are not what made this date worse than the hobbit who judged the size of my salad. What made this date hit a 10.0 on the richter scale of dating disasters was the following scenario which took place after the game...

We enter his car. 2 Points for him, he opened my door. I start up more conversation, assuming this will be the plan for our ride home, or to a restaurant where he maybe won't be quite so awkward (since the first part of the date is over, any way--and it is only a little after nine and he was making cookies (or something) beforehand so maybe he's hungry too).

"That's right, you grew up in Seattle, didn't you?" I say. Because, while I may not be perfect, I am a good date who still tries to make the conversation interesting.

"Yup," he grunts and reaches for the dash.

Suddenly the radio shifts into a much louder position. And on this radio is nothing other than the post-game commentary for a game we just attended. I listened to the post-game commentary on a date. He actually wouldn't talk to me as he drove me home unless it was to interject with, "What they're saying here is that the little refs gave (enter some hockey player's name here) a penalty because he hurt their little EGOS. They couldn't handle it."

It was bad my friends. Very bad. And as he dropped me off, car still running (and possibly not even in park), something about his Star Wars toy collection came out. And I laughed. In his face. Because he is 38 and collects Star Wars toys and doesn't realize that, when on a date, 99% of his normal, albeit clueless, behavior needs to be hidden if he ever wants to find someone non-klingon to mother his children. It all paralleled The 40-year-old Virgin a little too closely. And as I walked to my door I wondered if I should start a consulting business. I could charge men for lessons on what to do and, more importantly, what not to do. Because, if dating has taught me anything (beyond the fact that I usually do not like it), it is that men (or at least the men I date) are no good at this and clearly stand in need of help.

Instead of this business venture, however, the roommate and I laughed at the disaster over a Super Bird at Denny's, because I'm no Hitch, A. And B., she realizes that cookies (or something) can wait.

13 comments:

Fullerlifewithdogs said...

First time I read your blog, I love it! I totally understand the post too!

Sephalo said...

Aaawwww! I'm so sorry he sucked, BUT, I am very proud of you! That took guts and now you know and can move on! He's out there darlin', oh yes he is....

Stephanie said...

That you took pity on this poor soul and took him on a date means one thing for you: Blessings in heaven, my friend. Blessings in heaven.

CSIowa said...

You are awesome! This was the perfect thing for me to read after finishing all of the Christmas Eve stuff at my house. I've decided that blogging salvages many a situation. For example, as soon as I realized that missing my international flight was inevitable, I settled in to entertaining myself by thinking about how I was going to write about everything that went wrong to make me late. Yours is a job well done!

Wendy said...

Klingon to mother his children?!? LOVE IT!!! he he he he he.

Amy said...

I am laughing so hard! Not at your terrible date, but your description! Oh my, too funny. Are you published? If not, you should be.

Lisa S said...

This post brings back many memories of horrible dates.....and believe me there were many till I married at 34.lol Hang in there.

GTGraves said...

UMMM.... So, more importantly, who won the game?

Jen said...

And possibly not even in park!!!!!?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! Way to make an experience with a horrible mountain troll funny.

Rie Pie said...

I'm so sorry this sucked the big one. His total and complete loss. I loved this blog. It made me realize that I'm not the only one in dating heck.

ps. I hate to pull out the geek card-but I have to be true to myself. Klingon is from Star Trek. Not Star wars...lol.

Libby said...

Yowza-that was a doozie! Maybe you should give him a second chance so that you can get some more hilarious material!

Charlotte said...

My husband has been telling me to read this for days! Sorry for the night you had, but thnak you for the oh so sad people that stare. They make me feel happy I am not them.

Yet said...

I'm so proud of you for making it through the end of the date. You are a strong woman....the FORCE is with you...